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Lesson
One: Influential
Person
Essays
Please
select from the following sample application essays:
SAMPLE
ESSAY 1: Wellesley, Influence of mother
It
took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary
influence my mother has been on my life. Sheās the kind
of person who has thoughtful discussions about which
artist she would most want to have her portrait painted
by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time
for her four children, and the kind of community leader
who has a seat on the board of every major project to
assist Washingtonās impoverished citizens. Growing up
with such a strong role model, I developed many of her
enthusiasms. I not only came to love the excitement
of learning simply for the sake of knowing something
new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving
back to the community in exchange for a new sense of
life, love, and spirit.
My
motherās enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in
travel. I was nine years old when my family visited
Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip,
my older brother Peter and I sat with my mother on her
bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek
Gods. Despite the fact that we were traveling with fourteen-month-old
twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened
at sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty
ampitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian, picking
out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and
inserting our family into modified tales of the battle
at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps
later I have come to value what I have learned on these
journeys about global history, politics and culture,
as well as my family and myself.
While
I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to
me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what
she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a
ten year old, I often accompanied my mother to (name
deleted), a local soup kitchen and childrenās center.
While she attended meetings, I helped with the Summer
Program by chasing children around the building and
performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the
"floating paintbrush" trick, I began work as a full
time volunteer with the five and six year old children
last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an exceptionally
strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the
end of the summer, I decided to continue my work at
(name deleted) as Janeās tutor. Although the position
is often difficult, the personal rewards are beyond
articulation. In the seven years since I first walked
through the doors of (name deleted), I have learned
not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving
from them a sense of spirit.
Everything
that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by
the thought behind it. While the raw experiences I have
had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have
learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She
has enriched my life with her passion for learning,
and changed it with her devotion to humanity. In her
endless love of everything and everyone she is touched
by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional.
Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However,
my mother will always be by my side.
COMMENTS:
The
topic of this essay is the writerās mother. However,
the writer definitely focuses on herself, which makes
this essay so strong. She manages to impress the reader
with her travel experience, volunteer and community
experience, and commitment to learning without ever
sounding boastful or full of herself. The essay is also
very well organized.
Back
to Top
SAMPLE
ESSAY 2: Harvard, Favorite Fictional Character
Of
all the characters that Iāve "met" through books and
movies, two stand out as people that I most want to
emulate. They are Attacus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird
and Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham from Field of
Dreams. They appeal to me because they embody what
I strive to be. They are influential people in small
towns who have a direct positive effect on those around
them. I, too, plan to live in a small town after graduating
from college, and that positive effect is something
I must give in order to be satisfied with my life.
Both
Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham are strong supporting characters
in wonderful stories. They symbolize good, honesty,
and wisdom. When the story of my town is written I want
to symbolize those things. The base has been formed
for me to live a productive, helpful life. As an Eagle
Scout I represent those things that Mr. Finch and Dr.
Graham represent. In the child/adolescent world I am
Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham, but soon Iāll be entering
the adult world, a world in which Iām not yet prepared
to lead.
Iām
quite sure that as teenagers Attacus Finch and Moonlight
Graham often wondered what they could do to help others.
They probably emulated someone who they had seen live
a successful life. They saw someone like my grandfather,
40-year president of our hometown bank, enjoy a lifetime
of leading, sharing, and giving. I have seen him spend
his Christmas Eves taking gifts of food and joy to indigent
families. Often when his bank could not justify a loan
to someone in need, my grandfather made the loan from
his own pocket. He is a real-life Moonlight Graham,
a man who has shown me that characters like Dr. Graham
and Mr. Finch do much much more than elicit tears and
smiles from readers and movie watchers. Through him
and others in my family I feel I have acquired the values
and the burning desire to benefit others that will form
the foundation for a great life. I also feel that that
foundation is not enough. I do not yet have the sophistication,
knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as I want
to in the adult world. I feel that Harvard, above all
others, can guide me toward the life of greatness that
will make me the Attacus Finch of my town.
COMMENTS:
This
essay is a great example of how to answer this question
well. This applicant chose characters who demonstrated
specific traits that reflect on his own personality.
We believe that he is sincere about his choices because
his reasons are personal (being from a small town, and
so forth). He managed to tell us a good deal about himself,
his values, and his goals while maintaining a strong
focus throughout.
Back
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SAMPLE
ESSAY 3: Harvard, family illness: Motherās fight
with cancer
I
am learning, both through observations and first-hand
experiences, that there are many mishaps in life which
seem to be unexplainable and unfair, and yet have devastating
consequences. Disease fits into this category. Its atrocity
does not stem from the fact that it is a rare or uncommon
occurrence, since illness and disease pervade our lives
as we hear numerous stories of sick people and come
into contact with them each day. However, there is a
marked difference between reading in the newspaper that
a famous rock star or sports icon has tested H.I.V.
positive and discovering that your own mother has been
diagnosed with cancer.
Undoubtedly,
the most influential people in my life have been my
mother and father. It is to them that I credit many
of my accomplish-ments and successes-both inside and
outside of school. Throughout my childhood, my parents
have always fostered and encouraged me in all my endeavors.
At all my sporting events, spelling bees, concerts,
and countless other activities, they have always been
front row and center. My parents, in conjunction with
twelve years of Catholic training, have also instilled
in me a sound belief in a loving, caring God, which
I have come to firmly believe. It therefore should not
come as a surprise that the news of my mothers sickness
would greatly alter my entire outlook on life. Where
was my God?
My
mother, in fact, had been aware of her condition in
the spring of my junior year in high school. She deliberately
did not inform my sister or me of her illness because
she did not want to distract us from our studies. Instead,
my mother waited for the completion of her radiation
therapy treatments. At this time, she brought me into
her room, sat me down on the same wooden rocking chair
from which she used to read me bedtime stories, and
began to relate her story. I did not weep, I did not
flinch. In fact, I hardly even moved, but from that
point onward, I vowed that I would do anything and everything
to please my mother and make her proud of me.
Every
subsequent award won and every honor bestowed upon me
has been inspired by the recollection of my motherās
plight. I look to her as a driving force of motivation.
In her I see the firm, enduring qualities of courage,
strength, hope, and especially love. Whenever I feel
discouraged or dispirited, I remember the example set
by my mother and soon become reinvigorated. Instead
of groveling in my sorrow, I think of all the pain and
suffering that my mother had to endure and am revived
with new energy after realizing the triviality of my
own predicament.
For
instance, last year, when I was playing in a championship
soccer game, my leg became entangled with a forwards
leg on the other team, and I wound up tearing my medial
cruciate ligament. I was very upset for having injured
myself in such a seemingly inane manner. Completely
absorbed in my own anguish, I would not talk to anyone
and instead lamented on the sidelines. But then I remembered
something that my mother used to say to me whenever
something like this happened: If this is the worst thing
that ever happens to you, Iāll be very happy, and youāll
be very lucky. Instantly, many thoughts race through
my mind. I pictured my mother as a young thirteen-year-old
walking to the hospital every day after school to visit
her sick father. She had always told me how extremely
painful it had been to watch his body become emaciated
as the cancer advanced day by day and finally took its
toll. I then pictured my mother in the hospital, thirty
years later, undergoing all the physically and mentally
debilitating tests, and having to worry about her husband
and her children at the same time. I suddenly felt incredibly
ashamed at how immature I had been acting over my own
affliction. I gathered my thoughts and instead of sulking
or complaining, helped coach my team to victory.
I
am very happy to say that my mother is now feeling much
better and her periodic checkups and C.A.T. scans have
indicated that she is doing very well. Nevertheless,
her strength and courage will remain a constant source
of inspiration to me. I feel confident to greet the
future with a resolute sense of hope and optimism.
COMMENTS:
The
majority of the suggestions for this essay highlight
the danger inherent in relying on an overly poignant
topic, in this case the writerās motherās bout with
cancer. Part of why the reactions to this piece are
so passionate (and why there are so many of them) is
because had the applicant just taken a slightly different
approach, he could have had a powerful and touching
composition on his hands. It is always frustrating when
a piece with so much potential misses the mark. In this
case, the material and emotion are all there. Had he
spent more time and written with more sincerity, this
essay might have been a real winner.
I
wish this kid had started the essay with his mom
sitting him down in the rocking chair. That would
have been a powerful beginning. In general, using
the introduction of the essay to paint a scene or
mood can be very effective.
He
should begin with the most simple and striking sentence
possible, such as "On January 5, 1995, my mother
learned that she had cancer." Use real times and
exact places. Let the most dramatic point go where
it belongs, at the end of the sentence-also known
as the stress point.
Because
this topic is so personal, I yearn to know more
about the studentās reaction to his momās cancer,
how he and his family dealt with it over time. As
written, things just seem a bit too tidy.
The
author describes a valuable life lesson, but I find
the writing style to be artificial and a bit maudlin.
I imagine he resorted to the thesaurus more than
once.
The
writer tells us a sad story about his mother with
cancer and how he has strived to do his best because
of what his mother has been through. The topic can
be a tear jerker, but this essay lacked the depth
and richness that other essays with similar topics
possess.
The
experience obviously impacted the student very much.
But what students do not realize is that they do
not have to share such personal issues within the
confines of a college essay.
I
donāt believe the "epiphany" in the conclusion as
itās described. Itās too easy and convenient to
be believable. He begins his description with "For
instance," which negates almost everything that
follows. When he sees his mother in his mind, he
"instantly" thinks this and "suddenly" does that,
and finally "helped coach his team to victory."
He "coached" the team. "Cheered" maybe. "Coached?"
No way.
This
essay smells of contrivance. Yes, his motherās bout
with cancer affected him. Just not in the way he
wants me to believe. This is the "lasting sanctifying
effect" essay. Look at what the writer is actually
saying (using his own words): I used to be "absorbed
in my own anguish" and "lament" my bouts with adversity.
But, "instantly" or "suddenly" (take your pick),
I became a young man "confident to greet the future
with a resolute sense of hope and optimism." Why
not say, "I used to be a thoughtless, immature teenager.
My mother got cancer. Iām now a thoughtful, mature
adult. You should admit me to _____." His essay
is no less subtle.
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